04Jan

Similarities.

Posted by The BiPolar Dad as General Update, Personal Update

I’ve been really thinking about how much alike I am in comparison to my Dad as of late. In some good ways, but mostly bad ways. I have said some things in fits of depression that sound close to things he has said in the past which is what I’m really bothered by the most.

It’s a damn good thing I’m too poor to buy a gun, otherwise I’d kill myself. – My Dad.

The above is a line my Dad would drop occasionally when he was at the end of his rope, and did say it again just the other day.

It’s sad that I’m such a poor piece of white trash that I can’t even afford to buy a gun to kill myself. – Me.

The above is my version, though I’ve worded it in several different ways, it is about the same thing. While I am different than my Dad in key ways, this is troublesome because of the severity of what I’m saying, or have said. I’m also questioning to what level is my depression his fault? If I’m readily saying something like that, how much of that is him and how much of it is really me?

Just something that has been bugging me lately.

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22Dec

Dizzy.

Posted by The BiPolar Dad as General Update, Personal Update

“Wah! I want a bottle!” - Baby.
“Daddy, help! I pinched my finger!” - Daughter.
“Wah! I need a diaper change!” - Baby.
“Daddy, please help! Fix my button, cold!” - Daughter.
“Wah! I need to be held!” - Baby.
“Daddy! I want up! Help! (after buckling herself in a chair)” - Daughter.
“*Thud* *Crash* *Slam* (oldest son getting into trouble)” - Oldest Son.

Meanwhile, my coffee that was in a stainless steel thermos actually got somewhat cold… before I could even get a sip to start off the day. All this zigzagging about better melt off a few pounds or I’ma feel ripped off here! Haha… Just been one of those days where you get pulled in all sorts of directions, and you have no choice but to follow whatever direction you’re being pulled in blindly. Still worth it.

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21Dec

Playing Catchup.

Posted by The BiPolar Dad as General Update, Personal Update

I’m sorry I’ve not been posting much as of late. What with the new baby, my parents visiting, and the holidays I’ve had almost no free time to myself to do anything like post. So, I’m going to do a quick catchup post to talk about the recent things that have been going on.

Parents Visiting.
Things went pretty good. I had a big conflict with them when I refused to keep my mouth shut on how my Mom thought I wasn’t disciplining my son correctly. I’m sorry, but I’m his FATHER. I have my own rules that I’ve put into place in this house, and the same goes for the resulting punishment from any violations of those rules. A perfect example is him refusing to do his school work, and thus failing in school right now (and being grounded accordingly). The punishment? He isn’t allowed to play with his presents. He could open them so he can see them and realize what he is losing, but he can’t play with them until he improves his grades. As soon as he does improve his grades, I will gladly give him those gifts and more.

Drivers License.
One night while my parents were visiting, my Dad hinted to me that he just didn’t think it was a good idea for me to take the test. The next day he took me out and it turned into a nightmare. He drove all around trying to find a location for me to practice, and just dragged it out, got frustrated, and drove me insane in the process. Eventually we found a quiet area with minimal traffic and I got to practice. He freaked out even more, and didn’t even try to teach me. He just yelled and screamed, said that I’m not doing anything right — which was an absolute crock of shit — and in my own frustration I gave into what he wanted. I pulled over to the curb, got the hell out and told him to forget it. He got his way. He never wanted to take the time to help me out. He is just a lazy asshole who doesn’t care one bit that he has personally screwed not only me, but my wife and kids over. But whatever. He gets to drive around in a nice vehicle that I helped pay for. No big deal.

In short, no. I didn’t take the test. I came home after that so frustrated and depressed, I just wanted it all to end. I felt like I let my family down, and that I just didn’t try hard enough. I tried my best, but I guess if a car is parked on the side of the road, I need to go into the other lane to go around it a whole 50 feet in advance and possibly run into someone. I finally calmed down over that after thinking of the baby. It’s just bullshit. So many stupid shits have their license. Why is it that people are going out of there way to keep me from getting my own?

The Baby.
He is getting so big so fast. We always have had big babies, and even though he was technically our smallest, doesn’t make him tiny. We’re already considering getting him into Size 3 diapers. He rolls all around (tummy, side, back, side, tummy), has no problem pushing up and holding himself up for long durations. I always say the lame joke, but it is true. We don’t have babies, we have toddlers. Heis a very happy, laid back baby who enjoys life and all of the love he gets. (Which is lots!)

My Daughter.
She is handling the new baby well. She is growing up really fast. Just today my Wife was comparing hand sizes and was shocked at how big her hands are. She is a big girl. Not chunky, just big. She looks like she is much older than she is in overall size. She has been going through a boom in her language skills. Stringing together better sentences, using new words, and picking up more on the naughty words… Haha, my fault! She is a good girl, am really happy with how she is coming along.

My Son.
He has taken a turn for the worst with his behavior as of late. He is being destructive to new levels, gross to new levels, and just flat out driving me insane. Here is an example. He was recently grounded, which resulted in me taking the toys out of his room. Some toys, including a gift my Dad got him two years ago (fishing pole + lures) under his bathroom sink. One night shortly after being grounded, I gave him a new pillow to use — a pillow that was given to me when I was his age, which what happened to it is completely my fault, but still — which he gladly accepted. The next day, he kept going potty a bit more than normal. I come to find out that he was taking toys from under the sink, including two clocks, tons of LEGO’s, and yes, even the fishing lures into his bedroom. He used one of the hooks to slash a couple holes in the pillow, and stash the toys inside the pillow. He then used the hooks to tie the pillow closed. I found this out when I laid him into bed, and he said “Ouch!” and I heard the LEGO’s.

While my parents were here, I discovered finally what happened with the other lures, and a bunch of other things as well. He opened his bedroom window, tore a significantly sized hole in the screen, and was throwing things out the window. Everything from crayons, to paper, to ripped out voice boxes from stuffed animals and the like, to the package of fishing hooks. It gets worse from there. He has been gutting the outlets in his room. In particular, he recently ruined the phone jack in his room, and has been packing his feces in there, then throwing the lumps out the window. It’s a shame that there is no such thing as a worthwhile doctor in this world that would be willing to actually HELP US. This isn’t right. Something is seriously wrong, and we just get blown off when we bring it up. I wonder if I have a legal case against these failures that call themselves Doctors for failing to provide proper medical treatment. What do you think? Things are worse still, but going over this is just getting me worked up.

My Leg/Hip/Whatever.
For a bit there, I avoided doing any positions that would put weight on it, or result in pain. It was the closest thing I could do towards giving it some RnR. It worked for the most part, however getting up off the floor the other day after changing a diaper, I strained it again, and found myself on the ground in pain. Go me! I find myself saying how I’d love to just chop the leg off and be done with it more and more each day.

Overall Depression.
I love this time of year. Especially Christmas. Sure, it can be frustrating, but I love it and am less depressed this time of year. Even if I’m not getting much, if anything, it isn’t about gifts for me. I just try to force the happy feelings a little more. The same ol’ cheesy music, the colorful lights on the tree, in the windows, and the shiny stuff all over the place. It’s just a fun time of year. The weather helps, too!

I’ve had my good and bad moments like everyone else, but mostly good as of late. Like I said earlier, my oldest son has been really getting me down, but I’ve been trying to focus more on the positives with everything else.

Alcohol.
I’ve been drinking a bit as of late. Almost nightly, actually. I think I’ve responded positively to it. One night I broke down and had an extra drink which was out of anger/depression, but otherwise I’ve mostly had a drink to just enjoy and have a little fun. Not even close to getting drunk. And since I’m pretty much out now other than a little bit of Vodka, I’m probably not going to drink for a bit. Sucks, because I was really enjoying just the thought of having something there if I wanted it. Didn’t always go for it, just liked the idea of actually having something around. Haha, something so simple, and I’m all easily pleased over it.

Smoking.
I got a pack of Black & Mild’s while my parents were here. I must admit, it really did remind me how much I miss smoking. It really relaxed me to be able to go outside and light up. I am paying for it. It aggravated my asthma, and I’ve been getting easily winded the past few days. Didn’t miss that. Don’t plan to smoke them again anytime soon, and possibly never again. I am proud that I quit smoking cigarettes. It was hard, but I did it cold turkey, vomit and all. I stuck it out, and I enjoy telling people who ask if I have a cigarette or a lighter, or if I smoke that I have successfully quit on my own without the patch, gum, or anything else.

Medicaid.
I’d like to clarify that I do have Medicaid. However, my share of cost is $490. I just don’t have that kind of money, especially not with the new baby. I don’t qualify for most insurance plans, and we don’t have the money to get an out of pocket plan for me, either. I’m covered, but I am unable to afford that share of cost. Just not going to happen.

Mental Hospital.
You may have seen my Twitter post complaining that they never responded to my questions. Like my Wife said, I sent an email to them on a Saturday night. Of course I wouldn’t get an immediate response. Well, I’ve still not received any contact back from them. They’ve blown me off like the worthless shits that they are. Continuing to prove just how retarded our health care system really is. Too lazy to tell someone to piss off. Haha.

On a serious level though, I’m honestly considering trying to just close up about it. Just try and lock it away, hide it, ignore it, and hope for the best. At this point in my life, it is more problematic to deal with it. I’ve become a burden, a 4th child essentially to my Wife. I almost feel like I’ve ceased being a man because I’m being so open about my depression, about my situation, and my problems. I get ripped for being a bitch, and that is exactly how I feel. I can’t afford treatment, and there is no such thing as a worthwhile doctor around here, either. I’m even convinced that I’m not even worthy of help at this point. That isn’t fair, that is me just being an asshole.

That’s about it. Take it easy, and again I apologize for not doing many posts as of late. Hopefully they’ll pick up more.

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09Dec

Weight Update.

Posted by The BiPolar Dad as General Update, Personal Update

I’m frustrated. I’m tired of trying, and when I do actually put the effort in, I just don’t see any results. What is the point in trying when nothing good is coming from it? “Oh, you need to do it for a sustained period of time.” Really? Let’s see you getting off your ass and working out until you pass out. Overkill, yes, but it proves my point. I’m both an idiot, and I’ve put the time into it. Now where are the results?

I asked my wife for an honest answer, “Is there a weight that you’ll eventually just stop being interested in me?” and she admitted that she’d have a problem with me hitting 300lbs. The question stems from me considering giving up. If I want to eat something, I’d just eat it. Now everything is portioned controlled, restricted. I’m considering dropping those restrictions. I don’t enjoy being as big as I am, but if fighting it isn’t helping, then why bother anymore?

I’d love to talk to my Doctor about this, but that is for a whole other post. It isn’t like they’d be of much use anyway. Medicaid Doctors are utterly worthless. How do handle any medical problem with a Doctor when they’ll only give you 15 minutes of their time, and most of that is spent bullshitting about life? It’s just not possible. I’m a bother, and thus I don’t deserve medical treatment.

I have a problem with my thyroid, which is going without proper treatment and we suspect has much to do with my weight issue, and even the depression. But it needs treatment from a specialist, not just home remedies. I need the blood work, I need the medication, and I need the supervision. At the very least, I need the blood work to monitor the levels to note progress, or lack thereof.

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09Dec

A Week Later.

Posted by The BiPolar Dad as General Update, Personal Update

It was supposed to take place this past weekend and into this week, but instead it was bumped back a week. This Sunday, I’m finally getting someone to let me wreck their vehicle — or rather, I’m finally getting someone to let me work on getting my license. The more and more I think about it, the more embarrassed I am about it, but if I get my license, then there won’t be anything to be ashamed of, right?

I’m hoping the town will empty out and all of the idiotic college kids who found their licenses in a cereal box will be gone while I’m out practicing. I was actually pretty good when I was allowed to drive, so I do feel confident that I can do it. I’m not sure about the other people on the road. My wife was on the bus when it got rear-ended. We were in a cab when an idiot nearly pulled out into the road as we were driving, always side-swiping us. You get the picture. Still, it’d be much better than the trips to the store using the bus system, or having to depend on friends who can’t be bothered to help out.

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